I haven't had this feeling for the longest time. The heart is feeling awful and the tears kept flowing. I wish I can just sleep. Hoping that the feeling will go away..

Oh god, this is shit.

I realized that it's a lie to say you have let go of the past. Nobody lets go of memories. Each tear is an unforgettable memory. Each smile is an undeniable mark. Each heartbreak is an unerasable scar. Because really, there's no such thing as letting go... Only moving on.

2011 has been an eventful year for me, been through ups and downs, that I've never experienced in my 22 years of life. A year that I'll never forget in this lifetime.. I am thankful for everything that happened. Still holding on to the belief that everything happens for a reason.

Be thankful for every heartbreak, for they were planned. They come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. Their purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life. And you do.

I don't know what have gotten over me again.

Four months ago seems just like yesterday. Passing by roads we used to cross, smelling the familiar scent of your cologne, listening the songs we used to share, it still reminds me of pain that I buried deep down in my heart.

I have to keep moving on. I need to be stronger. I want to be truly happy. I no longer want to cry for this reason over and over again.

It'd been almost 4 months. Time is flying, and yet, I'm still standing where I am, unable to move forward. I've no idea what's holding me back..

A part of me, can't wait for a new start, and a part of me, still yearn for you.

The way it ended, remained a question mark to me. Right now, it feels like a regret to me. Though sometimes, it's better not knowing. But it's this 'not knowing', that is holding me back. I'm so tired struggling with the emotions within me.

Oh god. I wish for an answer.

It'd really been quite some time since I've blog!

Things have been good.. I mean, I started moving on, entering to a new phase of life - being an working adult! To be honest, initially I felt quite afraid, of starting everything new and need to make friends all over again. But right now, I kinda looking forward to challenges that are awaiting me. Cos I know only by overcoming my own barriers, I can become a stronger and better person. :)

Right now, I don't wish to talk about relationship at all. It feels really tiring and I am mentally drained. I am happy with how things are going right now, widening my social circle, and I hope it can just stop there. I don't really know how to handle when it comes to stuff like that, when I can sense infatuation, and yet I don't feel a single thing. I don't want to be more than friends. Hang out is perfectly fine, but not dating. Damnnnn. I am bad at this.

There'd still be times, when I started looking back, blaming how things have been falling apart, finding all sort of reasons to justify the breakup.. At the end of the day, I get nothing out of it, only - feeling heartbroken, never wanted to be in a relationship anymore, guys are so scary, and negative stuffs like that. But I don't allow myself to feel the sadness that came. So all these while, I am struggling between feeling sad, and not feeling sad. It really took me some time and tremendous courage to really face the fact.

I like this quote alot, "Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgement." Only through this, I can truly know what I want, what are mistakes I shouldn't have made and things I can learn from it. Well, I am good, but not perfectly good yet. Still taking it slow and recovering. Cos I know, gohonzon will have the best arrangement for me. I will not settle for anything lesser than what I deserve.

I still wish the best for you, too. :)